Been Thinking

I've have been focusing more on my new blog and have not really posted any heavy stuff here. I never had much reader and I dun think there are still anyone reading this. However, it is my space to let out some of my feelings. I wonder anyone still reads this or not.

Many things make someone thinks deeply about his or her lives. Many thinks when they have to much free time doing nothing. Meanwhile, I have moments like that when its around midnight and I happen to hear some old emo songs. Don't get me wrong. I dun go think about emo stuffs like the end of the world but it does get me thinking about what has been happening in my life.

Tonight this is induced thanks to Pong Nan's (蓝奕邦) old song. It has been a while since I last thought about my life. So now I am currently single and heading to UK for studies in 9 days. I have never spent this much my hard earn money in my life on my newest precious, my Celica. My grandpa whom I didn't know much just passed away but I do miss him. I am under a curfew away from my friends and entertainments.

If there would be a time to reflect on my life, this would be a perfect time. Ever since puberty, I have questioned my direction in life. Often like many others, I have felt like a puppet to my parents and until now I still questioned my choice in life. Whether it is studies, lifestyle or girls. I do appear to be matured and calm in most situations but I became this way after many wrong roads taken and my experiences to a point where my best friend said I'm a robot.

Studies
When it came to studies, I have always pushed myself to succeed during my primary school years to gain rewards and to make my parents happy. As I grew older in my secondary school, I started to get average scores just to relax as I no longer see any point in it. Now in my tertiary studies, I like many others struggled in choosing my field. At the end I had no choice but to follow my dad's advice to pick up my role as the eldest of my siblings. However, I'm faced with many regrets.

Lifestyle
I have always been a careful guy when it came to money. I've been saving since young and hardly use much money on a daily basis. I control my eating, I dun drink, I dun smoke. Once in a while I would ask myself why couldn't I just enjoy my youth more ? At least now I finally found something I love and would spend on it; my Celica. I also dun have much friends. So, I always at home alone and my social life is in the drains.

Love
I started dating in Secondary School and it has never been easy nor fruitful. In and out would be a good description of my love life so far. I just broken up for half a year. Everyone says it had to be done but it is just another failure in my record. I could never feel that I would be a good lover if not why I keep failing. Somehow every cell in my body yearns for someone but I couldn't find one. Maybe I'm doomed from the beginning.

In the end I dun feel like I'm going anywhere but I did make the journey and I've grown a lot. Still it may prove to be insufficient. Maybe I'm too hard on myself or maybe I'm just no good. I worry for my future. Like many great people has said,"Power and wealth means nothing when you are not happy and have no one to shared with.". What really lies ahead of me ? Only time could tell.