It has been a year since I last enter this blog. This used to be the place where I spill some emotions about my life and opinions into the society. I thought I do not need a place like this to exist anymore as I am strong enough to handle it all. However, it seems to me that I still need this place. I thought of the phrase when there is no news there is no bad news or something like that. What made me want to visit here is because I received a very long text message from someone that makes me awake in the morning and think of my wrong doing.
We live in a world with labels. I have lived my live for many years labelled as "bad guy" in relationships. I never gave much thought about it because I did what I had to and did not bother with such label. However, it did not matter what I think because I could not run away from the fact that whenever you hurt someone's feelings you are automatically the bad guy. It does not matter whether that act is intentionally or unconsciously, you will still be the bad guy. I have had enough of such accusation but when you think about it, if that person is not hurt by you there would not be such a fuss.
I am born a shy person. Many people misunderstand what a shy guy actually mean and judge that I am just pretending to be shy. I may be sociable, I talk loud and have many friends but I am indeed shy. Too shy to show my true feelings. I am used being emo or hurt on the outside but looking as jolly as a young boy with candy on the outside. If I judge that I am not needed around I will stay away. It is my trait and this allow people to think I am a cold hearted person.
Is it really hard for someone to understand me ? Am I really just a complex person that even 4 years could not make you learn more about me. Is this world as grey as I thought since I was a kid and that no matter what happen I will never see the world as bright as the others do ? Sometimes I feel like I do not deserve good things in life not the materialistic goods though. Even as I write this passage you could see that I am writing with great care. I really wonder when will the time come when I could openly tell people how I actually feel inside. It seems like a fairy tale for someone like me,
I guess the phrase live long enough you could see a hero becomes a villain is true. If I hurt you so much I think the best way is to stay away from me. I bring sadness to people around me and I do not want you to be one of those people. I am sorry. Please forgive my selfishness. I will not ask you to learn more about me because it is impossible.
