Last Time

これが最後の時間です。私はと触れる最後の時間は、あなたの顔を保持する。私はあなたを抱きしめ最後の時間。最後の時間は、私はあなたを運ぶでしょう。最後の時間は、私があなたの手を保持する。

小さな光

一人で映画を見に行った

一人でカップルシートに座った

映画の後お前の家の外に居た

メールでお前に知らせた

意外にお前から返事が届いた

朝起きた時、昨日が起こったのは夢だと思ったけど、

確かに俺のメールを返事した

そして、今もメールを受けてる

もしかしたら、俺に小さな光と希望を与えるか？

考え通り

朝からお前のメールを受けた

あんたに手紙を出したって言ったメール

だが、俺も出かけて夜まで帰られない

一日中お前の答えに心配して、何もやれない

頭にはただ嫌な可能性しかない。

やっとうちに着いた

手紙をとって早く部屋に入って、手紙を読む

やはり、俺の考え通りだ。

みじかい内容のてがみとお前に買った映画の切符が答えだ。

お前に拒まれた。

これがお前の心を傷ついた罰と思う。

眠られない

映画の切符のせいで、その手紙はまだ出してない。

毎晩心配して緊張するから、眠られない。

それに加えて、一週間何回もジムに行った。

俺の体、精神も疲れてる。

早く金曜に成って欲しい。

なぜなら、答えはその日に発表する。

それまでに俺は寝られない。

こういうのはもう耐えられない。

俺の心を勘弁してくれよ～

俺のチャンスは？

俺のメールか電話を全てお前に無視された。

これが俺の最後の手段だ。

手紙はもう書いた。お前の家に出す。

結果は何だろう？

俺の誘いを受けるか？

俺の先は暗いとか明るいか？

答えはなかなか見つかれない。

俺に聞いたら、きっと良くない結果になると思う。

Live long enough to be a villain.

It has been a year since I last enter this blog. This used to be the place where I spill some emotions about my life and opinions into the society. I thought I do not need a place like this to exist anymore as I am strong enough to handle it all. However, it seems to me that I still need this place. I thought of the phrase when there is no news there is no bad news or something like that. What made me want to visit here is because I received a very long text message from someone that makes me awake in the morning and think of my wrong doing.

We live in a world with labels. I have lived my live for many years labelled as "bad guy" in relationships. I never gave much thought about it because I did what I had to and did not bother with such label. However, it did not matter what I think because I could not run away from the fact that whenever you hurt someone's feelings you are automatically the bad guy. It does not matter whether that act is intentionally or unconsciously, you will still be the bad guy. I have had enough of such accusation but when you think about it, if that person is not hurt by you there would not be such a fuss.

I am born a shy person. Many people misunderstand what a shy guy actually mean and judge that I am just pretending to be shy. I may be sociable, I talk loud and have many friends but I am indeed shy. Too shy to show my true feelings. I am used being emo or hurt on the outside but looking as jolly as a young boy with candy on the outside. If I judge that I am not needed around I will stay away. It is my trait and this allow people to think I am a cold hearted person.

Is it really hard for someone to understand me ? Am I really just a complex person that even 4 years could not make you learn more about me. Is this world as grey as I thought since I was a kid and that no matter what happen I will never see the world as bright as the others do ? Sometimes I feel like I do not deserve good things in life not the materialistic goods though. Even as I write this passage you could see that I am writing with great care. I really wonder when will the time come when I could openly tell people how I actually feel inside. It seems like a fairy tale for someone like me,

I guess the phrase live long enough you could see a hero becomes a villain is true. If I hurt you so much I think the best way is to stay away from me. I bring sadness to people around me and I do not want you to be one of those people. I am sorry. Please forgive my selfishness. I will not ask you to learn more about me because it is impossible.

Leaving the nest

From young, I've heard of the phrase "survival of the fittest". Anyone who can adapt in any situations given would be survival. I'm about to embark on my study trip to UK and I have been thinking. There are people who get homesick while others adapt and live happily in a new surroundings. I have always been told by my parents that I could adapt anywhere I go and I would not be problem. That sounded great when I was young but as time goes by it seems to be a burden more than a gift.

Back when I was 19, I was aspiring to study in Japan and start a new life there but was stopped by my parents and having to stay here as they dun want to separate with me. It sounded ridiculous back then and it still hurts till now. A great opportunity wasted but maybe it wasn't in my fate to have that chance. I still regret over this but there was nothing I could do about it.

Now, my uni allows me to study in UK but for a short duration of 4 months. My parents agreed to it cause I have to return to finish my degree. Some how in my view they are still a little selfish. Was it my natural ability to adapt and never return the main reason they wanna waste my chances to success ? I guess I just have to be a good boy. I can't hate them but I do have regrets. Nevertheless.

I always thought that I would be strong away from my family in a foreign land and never get homesick. I'm still very convinced I can do that but now I do feel a little heavy footed to leave. I know I will be back soon but still I can't help to miss my friends, members and my Celica. It just feel different when it is really happening. I will think of everything back here when I'm at UK. Maybe it is because of all the memories and bonds that I have made. Finally, I have something to look forward to see when I come back.